18th February 2021 15:39pm:
I am sat crossed legged in the comfort of my living room. A cosy blanket upon my lap, my dog nestled up against my waist, and I am trying to appreciate the warmth of the Winter sun as it blinds me from writing this post. I brewed my second oat milk coffee of the day in hope that along with the mad rush of caffeine will come an abundance of motivation and inspiration to write. I’m a journalism graduate after all, the words should be spilling out.
But as I focus in on the soft snores from my dog, I acknowledge the fact that I don’t know actually where to begin. I don’t have a start, middle or end. I just know I want to write, because it’s been months since I’ve done so. I’m letting no one down besides myself, so why is my lack of content making me feel so guilty?
Throughout university, lecturers and tutors reiterated the same important message: stay interested, and stay writing. I have never really struggled with this, as my peers constantly tell me I’m way too nosy, and my iPhone notes app has more pages than any of my revision notebooks ever did. But why would I ever want to publish my new updated baby name list or my neighbours weekly gossip? Being a successful journalist is all about creating new stories, or a new perspective to something once done before. No over the fence drama will ever be that groundbreaking, will it.
Am I saying I currently don’t feel successful? Perhaps a little bit. To give myself some credit, I am working extremely hard in my personal life. I am creating a healthier lifestyle for myself, working out 4-5 days a week and cooking nutritious meals that I hadn’t even heard of only a few months previous. I have a friendship circle, family and boyfriend that I love immensely and a skincare routine I am 90% happy with. From the outside looking in, you’d say I was doing a pretty good job. You know, pandemic considering.
But despite exfoliating twice a week and having definition in my abdomen, I still don’t feel satisfied. I graduated from university nearly nine months ago now, and stepping onto the path of my career still feels impossible-as if it's nothing other than the wild dream I've always had. My degree certificate should hand proudly over the desk in my bedroom, and whilst the frame is physically there, I can't help but notice the list of my job rejections and ignorances that looms over the top. I'm a bloody 2:1 journalism graduate, yet I feel as though my only title is just another 22 year old.
Of course I acknowledge the state of both our country and job market, and no one knows more than me how hard it is to achieve any type of income at the moment, but nothing seems to be soothing the burn. No matter how many relatives, friends, or people online tell me “you’ll get there soon”, or "everyone's in the same boat", I feel as though the reassurance is only temporary. I will have days where I am completely okay with the situation I am currently in, but others are consumed with nothing but upset and frustration about wanting nothing but a job I am finally passionate about and can put all my time and energy into. I am so keen and certain about what I want, I just wish I felt the same about when my time finally comes.
If there is any chance that you and I are in the same situation right now, please know I am right here with you. I absolutely get it. I know how much you want to begin the real adult world and start earning your coin. I also am completely aware of wanting a job so much, but being completely beaten down by the job search. Because in all honestly, I am writing this post to avoid it. Procrastination. I want to begin my journalist career as much as the next person, but scrolling through job sites and creating endless cover letters since JUNE is bloody mind numbing. But I also know that trying to get sympathy and creating this 'sad' story won't really get me anywhere. Hard work and determination will. I could write a million woe is me blog posts, but I'm not really going to get a job until I suck it up and adapt my CV to fit another media brand.
At the end of the day, this sole purpose of this website was to create an online diary for myself and goings on in my life.
And I can't bloody wait until the day when I update you about the start of my long awaited career.